


A Twerp of a Guild Member

by Michelle_A_Emerlind



Category: Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
Genre: Explicit Language, M/M, Vex cuses like a sailor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-22
Updated: 2013-09-22
Packaged: 2017-12-27 08:10:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/976455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Michelle_A_Emerlind/pseuds/Michelle_A_Emerlind
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Someone sits Dirge down and has a talk with him about what a twerp he is. No real spoilers. Mention of a slash pairing. Mature rating for language.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Twerp of a Guild Member

**Author's Note:**

> Much of Dirge's dialogue in this fic is actual game dialogue. You can view it here if you like: http://www.uesp.net/wiki/Skyrim:Dirge

“Dirge, sit down. We need to have a talk,” Vex said, folding her arms and looking just like the sinister bitch she was.

Dirge walked over to the table and sat down. “What is it, Vex? I don’t have time for this. I have to intimidate people.”

Vex sighed. “We drew straws and I got the short one, so I’m supposed to knock some sense into you.”

“Sense into me? Why?”

“Dirge, we need you to stop being a dickweed.”

Dirge frowned and gave her a look. “Stay outta trouble, or there’s gonna be trouble.”

Vex narrowed her eyes and then reached out and smacked him hard across the back of the head.

“OW!” Dirge yelled and rubbed the spot she had hit. “Don’t be a bitch.”

“Well, don’t be an asswipe douche-logger.”

“You know,” Dirge said, “I don’t care if you’re best buddies with the Guild Master. I’ll still smash in your skull if you try anything.”

Another head slam. “OW! Hey! Do you know who I am? I’m Dirge! They call me Dirge, ‘cause I’m the last thing you--”

“Shut up, Dirge,” Vex said, “and try to be nice.”

Dirge opened his mouth, shut it, thought about it hard, and tried for another insult. “Shut up and get out of my face.”

“Now you’re just being dumb as well as dicky.”

“I don’t need you in my business, Vex. You know there’s only two things to do at the Flagon: spend coin and then get out. So get out!”

Vex rolled her eyes hard. “THIS is why people don’t like you.”

“Nu huh.”

“Yes huh.”

“Nu huh.”

“Yes huh.”

[Tonila from across the room: “MotherFUCKER.”]

Dirge crossed his arms and pouted. “My problem is I’m too tired to punch your face in.”

“No,” Vex said, “your problem is that you’re a pussy. A douchebag, son of a bitch, pussy. That’s what you are.”

“...nu huh.”

Vex threw her head back in frustration and growled up at the ceiling. “What are we going to DO with you? Why are you such a TWERP?”

“Hey, my job is to be a twerp. I mean, a guard. To intimidate people. Keep them in line.” He lifted up his hands and started doing punching motions. “You know. Like, like...’Even if you’re one of us, you better not make trouble’ or ‘you think this is funny or something?’ or “I’ll smash your skull in if you try anything’ or ‘Vekel doesn’t like strangers snooping around the Flagon’ or ‘the last person who made trouble for Vekel ended up with a smashed head.’ Yeah! Like that.” He punches the air several times and then looks up at Vex. “Stay outta trouble, or there’s gonna be trouble.”

Vex facepalmed and then looked around the room for who she could ask for some support in the matter. Her eyes landed on Vekel the Man and she made a soft “hmmm”ing noise to herself.” “Hey, Dirge...”

“Yeah?” Dirge asked and punched the air again.

“How do you feel about Vekel?”

“Vekel? I respect Vekel. I like Vekel. You know, the last person who made trouble for Vekel--”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever. So here’s the deal.” Vex leans down on the table, spreading both her hands out on the surface. “You stop being a son of a bitch-fucker, mother-loving shiteater and I get you on a date with Vekel.”

Dirge stopped punching. “Huh?”

“You heard me. You be nice for a change and I convince the dear bartender to take you out to Ivarstead or something.”

“...but...head smashing...”

Vex growled. “Diiiirrrggeeeeee...”

Dirge looked between Vex and Vekel, Vex and Vekel, and then let his eyes linger on Vekel.

“I think you want him,” Vex said in a sing-song voice and waiting for the decision.

“...Oh yeah?” Dirge said and then looked at Vekel again. “I think so too. You’re pretty smart. Hey, here. Have one on the house. And, you know, sorry if I sounded so mean there.” Vex petted Dirge on the head.

“Good, Dirgey. Now let’s see about that date.”


End file.
